Series 11
by forwhenthedayisgrey
Summary: What happened after the show ended?
1. The One With Ms Green's Date

**AN: **

_**Disclaimer: I don't own 'Friends' and neither does My friend Meg**_

**This is a continuation of Friends, Series 11. It is in a script format not a story format. ****My friend wrote and she wanted me to post it here so that she could find out if people liked it. Here it is-**

* * *

Episode 1- The one with Ms. Green's date

_(In central perk- Joey and Ross are sitting drinking coffee and Rachel is on the phone)_

Rachel: Mom, I'm so sorry...yeah, I know...I promised, yeah...Ross has booked an expensive hotel room for us...Mom! That's no way to talk about Ross!

Rachel: Ok, Mom, can you give me a second!...Ok...

_(holds phone to her chest)_

Rachel _(smiling)_: Hey Joey!

Joey _(scowling)_: What do you want?

Rachel: Could you take my mom out on a date, tonight?

Joey _(shocked)_: What! No! That's weird! She's your mom!

Rachel: Not a date like that, just as friends... please, Joey, can you do this for me?

Joey: . Because, otherwise it would be like when Ross snogged Chandler's mom and you know...

Rachel: You kissed Mrs. Bing!

Ross _(sarcastically)_: Thanks Joe!

Joey: Or when you went out with Rach's sister!

_(Rachel looks annoyed)_

Joey: Or when...

Ross: Ok, bro, know when to stop...

* * *

...OPENING CREDITS...

* * *

_(Mike and Phoebe's apartment- Phoebe is holding about 10 dresses up by their hangers and Mike is sitting on the couch)_

Mike _(bored)_: The blue one.

Phoebe _(holding up one)_: This one?

Mike: No the other blue one.

_(Phoebe looks at the dress)_

Phoebe: Actually, I don't have any shoes that match this one...

Mike: Then the Emerald one...

Phoebe: Hmm...I'm not sure that that's quite my colour...

Mike: My God, woman, make a decision!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, but Jenna, Sadie and Carla are my only friends that I had before I lived on the streets, so they're like..._(Sounding disgusted)_ normal!

Mike: Why go... If you don't like them so much...?

Phoebe: Well, I like to remember a time before my Mum killed herself and before I made sombreros for a living and lived with albino Bob, or was shot at on a regular basis...

Mike_ (sympathetic, but worried)_: Aaaghh...

Phoebe: Also... Jenna's brother is just like yum... _(looks at Mike's face)_ yummin... Which means ugly, but kind.

_(Mike laughs)_

Mike: Where's that black dress that I love of yours?

Phoebe: Oooh...good idea, I'll go get it!

_(Phoebe drops the dresses, runs into the bedroom and Mike shakes his head to himself)_

* * *

_(Monica and Chandler's house- Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Ross are sat in the living room)_

Ross: We better get going...

Monica: You can't go! We haven't played our organised chess tournament yet...

Ross: As I said, we better go...

Monica: Ok, I guess me and Chandler can do it on our own.

Chandler _(whispering to Ross)_: Can you take me with me?

_(Monica gives Chandler a disapproving look)_

Rachel: Thanks for letting Emma sleep here, oh...and thanks for tea, Mon, Ross simply refused to pay for dinner at the hotel.

Ross: Complain all you like, that hotel was ripping us off... RIPPING US OFF!

Rachel: Ok, Ross. Bye Guys.

_(Rachel goes to take Ross' hand, but he moves it away)_

Ross: RIPPING US OFF!

_(Ross and Rachel leave)_

Monica: Ok, Mr, it's chess playing time!

Chandler _(sarcastically)_: Oh, joy.

_(The two of them go over to the set up chess board in the corner)_

Monica: Prepare to have your ass kicked!

Chandler: Well, I'll have you know I used to be in the chess club.

_(Chandler makes a move)_

Monica: You can't move a knight in a straight line!

Chandler: Really?

Monica: I thought you went to chess club!

Chandler: Well, I used to serve my dad refreshments when he was playing strip chess with his 'friends'.

* * *

_(At a restaurant- Joey and Rachel's mom are being showed to their table)_

Waiter: Here we are, and here are the menus.

_(Waiter hands the menu)_

Joey: Wow! This is expensive! Good thing it's on Rachel!

_(Waiter turns to leave)_

Joey: No waiter! _(Waiter turns round to face Joey)_ For starters, I'll have the Filet Mignony thing, a few plates of Kansas city strip steak, let's say six, Salmon and your most expensive wine.

Waiter: Er...

Joey: You heard me, go!

Sandra/ Rachel's mom: Joey, darling this is just wonderful!

Joey: Oh, don't mention it...Er...Rachel says for me to tell you..._(Joey looks thoughtful, trying to remember and then his face lights up because he remembers that he wrote it on his hand and on it is ,scrawled in scruffy writing 'sorry')_ Sorry.

Sandra: Oh, well it turned out that I ended up better off anyway...

Joey :So, ...

Sandra: Oh, call me Sandra!

Joey: Er..Ok, Sandra...

Sandra: I was so thrilled when I found out that you'd be taking me on a date!

Joey: It was nothing...

Sandra: I mean, my sex life isn't all that it used to be...

Joey _(shocked)_: Oh..no, no!

(Sandra silences him with a passionate kiss and Joey looks startled)

* * *

_(At another restaurant (less fancy) - Phoebe, Jenna, Sadie and Carla are eating)_

Phoebe: So, Jenna, how's your brother?

Jenna: Oh...he's been working out and he's currently single...

Phoebe _(hopefully)_: Oh!

Jenna: …...and way out of your league!

_(Jenna, Sadie and Carla titter)_

Carla: The last me and Sades saw him was your 30th birthday...

Sadie: Actually, for me it was the morning after...

_(Sadie, Carla and Jenna giggle and Phoebe looks at her watch)_

Phoebe _(sarcastically)_: Oh no, look at the time...I've got to go, it's way past my bedtime.

Jenna: it's 6:00 o'clock...

Sadie: And we've only been here_ (looks at her own watch)_ 10 minutes...

Phoebe: Oh no, my watch must be wrong...

_(Carla, who's sitting next to Phoebe look at her watch)_

Carla: No, it's n...

Phoebe: Ok, b..blondie..you better watch it!

_(Carla looks strangely at Phoebe)_

Jenna Ok, babes, I think it's...Catch up time!

Phoebe_ (Sarcastically)_: Yeay!

_(gulps down her wine glass)_

Sadie: Ok...Well the most recent news in the Sadie household is that I …..got a promotion!_ (Jenna and Carla squeal in delight and Phoebe imitates them)_ I have my own office and everything!

Jenna: What about you, Carla?

Carla: Well, me and Jonas are buying a new house, because 6 bedrooms just isn't enough for the 4 of us!_ (Phoebe looks at her weirdly, but Jenna and Sadie squeal in delight)_ Oh yeah, and I'm getting another puppy! _(Jenna and Sadie squeal)_

Jenna: Guess who's engaged to a millionaire! _(Carla and Sadie gasp)_

Phoebe_ (confused)_: Who?

Jenna: Me of course! _(Carla and Sadie squeal)_

_(The three girls look expectantly at Phoebe)_

Phoebe: Well, as I said last time we spoke, I'm married! _(Phoebe grins, but the others continue to look expectantly at her)_

Phoebe: Er...and...the other more interesting news is that...surprisingly...I just so happen …...to be...pregnant! _(The girls squeal, once again, in delight, but Phoebe looks guilty at the fact she's told a lie.)_

* * *

_(The restaurant where Sandra is passionately kissing Joey)_

_(Joey manages to break apart from Sandra)_

Joey: Ok...

_(Sandra starts licking Joey's hand and he pulls it away)_

Joey: Don't you think that this is weird, me being your best friend's mom and all that...

Sandra _(laughing)_: Not at all!_ (Tries to kiss him again, but Joey pushes her away)_

Joey: I need to go to the bathroom!_ (Joey runs out into the mens room)_

_(In the toilet- Joey gets out his mobile and phones up Chandler)_

* * *

_(In Chandler & Monica's kitchen-Chandler picks up the phone)_

Chandler: Hello?

Joey: You've gotta help me man!

Chandler: Oh, hey Joey, how's the dinner with Rachel's mom going?

Joey: She keeps sticking her tongue down my throat!

Chandler: What!

Joey: I know!

Chandler: How come women never stick their tongues down my throat!

Monica _(her voice coming from the other room)_: I heard that!

Joey: What am I gonna do! She's talking about having sex with me!

Chandler: Oh my God! What are you gonna do!

Joey : I don't know, man! …...I know! Chandler, what's your secret for putting women off sleeping with you?

Chandler _(sarcastically)_ : You can't teach it, Joe, its a gift you're born with!

Joey: Come on, man, try!

Chandler: Why don't you try talking about disease and illness and make really bad jokes...and eat really messily …...and try kissing really badly or snort when you laugh... I could write a book about this!_ (looks into the distance)_ 'How to make women run' by Chandler Bing...

Monica_ (her voice coming from the other room)_: Chandler! Hurry up! I'm winning!

Chandler_ (annoyed and rushed)_: Gotta go, see you, bye! _(Chandler puts phone down)_

* * *

_(Back at the restaurant restroom with Joey)_

_(Joey puts his phone back in his pocket)_

Joey _(to himself)_: Well here goes.

_(Joey exits the toilets)_

* * *

_(The restaurant- Sandra is sat down waiting for Joey and trying to look sexy and Joey enters)_

Sandra_ (sexily)_: Well, hello, tiger...

Joey _(nervously)_: Hello.

_(Joey sits down in his seat opposite her)_

Sandra _(sexily)_: Here's a plan, let's order some chocolate sauce and you can smother it all over me and...

Joey_ (Worried)_: Er...Maybe later, but for now, let's talk...

Sandra: Okay, they say half the fun of sex is talking about it...

_(Joey does a nervous laugh)_

Joey: Yeah, well that is more fun than the plague..._ (laughs at his own 'joke' and then snorts)_

_(Sandra looks at him weirdly)_

Joey: Yeah, that bad boy killed a LOT of people...

_(The waiter comes over with a soup for Sandra, followed by some others carrying all of Joey's starter)_

Waiter_ (looking weirdly at Joey)_: Your starter is served.

_(Joey's face lights up and he starts eating some of his steak normally, but then remembers what Chandler said and starts chewing it like a cow)_

_(Sandra does a nervous laugh and gulps down her glass of wine)_

* * *

_(Phoebe walks down the corridor leading up to her apartment and she opens the door to her apartment only to reveal Mike not looking best pleased surrounded by a room packed with baby things.)_

Phoebe: Oh no.

Mike _(annoyed)_: I think you have some explaining to do.

Phoebe _(screaming)_: I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! OK! They were looking at me with scary expecting eyes and it was like all the times I was being questioned by the police, so I did I always do in that situation...I LIED! I'M SORRY! SO VERY SORRY! _(Phoebe gasps for breath)_

Mike_ (starting to smile)_: Come here...

_(Phoebe starts to try and climb over all the baby things and whilst standing in the crib falls over into Mike's arms and he hugs her)_

Mike _(confused and pulling her away slightly)_: Phoebe, for starters you've been questioned by the police!

Phoebe_ (looking proud)_: Sooo many times!

Mike_ (looking slightly worried, but bemused)_: Okay, anyway, back to the point, there will be a time when we will have the joy of telling everybody that we're expecting a baby Buffay-Hannigan

Phoebe _(beaming)_ : You like the name 'baby' too!

Mike_ (nervously):_ Er...let's talk about baby names when you actually are pregnant.

Phoebe:Ok_ (turns to leave to the kitchen)_

Mike: Wait! What do we do about all this stuff _(he picks up a stuffed Gorilla and shakes it)_

Phoebe: What do you mean? I thought it made the apartment look a lot nicer!

_(Phoebe tries to walk over to the kitchen, but trips over one of the bouncy chairs full of teddies and falls to the floor)_

Phoebe_ (On the floor)_: Okay maybe we should get rid of a few things!

* * *

_(Chandler and Monica's house- Chandler and Monica are still sitting on the floor playing chess. Chandler looks very tired and bored, but Monica is loving it)_

Monica: Check mate! I win...AGAIN! What's that! 27, nil to the team Monica!

Chandler _(bored)_: I think that it's safe to say you win...

Monica: You Bet I am!

Chandler: I'm just gonna check on the babies.

Monica: Okay, I'm giving you thirty seconds_ (Pulls out a stopwatch from her pocket)_

Chandler _(looking horrified)_: Oh my God, I married my PE teacher!

_(Chandler runs upstairs)_

* * *

_(Upstairs in the babies' room- Chandler looks round the door at Emma, Jack and Erica sleeping peacefuly and looks disappointed)_

Monica _(Calling from downstairs)_: 30 seconds is up, Mr, get your lazy ass down here!

Chandler_ (Meekly calling downstair)_: Yes, dear.

_(Chandler turns to go downstairs, but then has an idea and goes over to the cribs)_

Chandler_ (whispering)_: Wake up! Wake up little babies!

_(The babies stay asleep)_

Monica _(shouting from downstairs):_ Chandler!

Chandler: Oh, come on! You always wake when I'm in the middle of sex, but for chess you stay asleep!

Monica _(shouting)_: Chandler get down here!

_(The babies start to stir)_

Chandler: Oooh! So this why I married someone so loud!

Monica_ (screaming)_: Chandler Muriel Bing, you better have a good excuse for wasting a minute of my precious, chess playing time!

_(The babies start crying)_

Chandler: Yes! You go babies! Looks like_ (imitating Monica)_ _Chandler Muriel Bing_ won't be playing chess tonight!

* * *

_(Phoebe and Mike's apartment, Phoebe is sitting on a rocking horse ,on their sofa, and Mike on a large stuffed frog , on the sofa, and they're watching Tom and Jerry. Phoebe is laughing every now and then)_

Mike _(bored)_: Why do you make us watch this?

Phoebe: We need to get used to it, for when we have a baby of our own.

_(Mike gives Phoebe a look)_

Phoebe: Ok, it's because I think it's really funny.

_(They continue watching it, Phoebe still laughing every now and again)_

Mike: You know when you said about calling the baby_ (sigh)_ 'Baby'...

Phoebe: Yeah,

Mike: You were joking, right!

Phoebe_ (shocked)_: You don't like the name baby!

Mike _(lying)_: Of course I do! But out of interest, what other slightly less... controversial names?

Phoebe _(lying)_: Of course! Um...I also like 'Little Baby'.

Mike: Huh...Well, we have a long time to think about it...

Phoebe: Oh my gods! Look what just happened to Tom!

_(Mike looks slightly worried)_

Mike: What about Claire?

Phoebe: What?

Mike: For the baby's name.

_(Phoebe looks worried)_

Phoebe: Er...as you said we shouldn't be even thinking about this yet! I mean, we'll do all that when we get there!_ (nervous laugh)_

_(Mike looks fed up)_

* * *

_(The Hotel- Ross and Rachel are at the check in desk, with a long line of people behind them)_

Receptionist _(in a sing song voice)_: Hello.

Rachel: Hi there, we would like one of your superior deluxe rooms for one night...

Ross: Don't listen to her, we would like one of your cheapest rooms...

Receptionist_ (in a sing song voice)_: All of our cheapest rooms are taken I'm afraid. We only have three rooms left and they're all_ (double checks on computer)_ Super Super deluxe.

Ross_ (high pitched voice):_ Super Super?

Rachel: Ross calm down, this is gonna be great! We are gonna be in one of their best rooms. We'll be able to like judge all the other people, as if to say "Oh my god, you commoners are in like in the cheapest room". We are gonna be in the Super Super Deluxe room! Doesn't that excite you at all?

Ross_ (high pitched voice)_: Nah-ah! Deluxe is just code for expensive, so this room is like...Super Super expensive!

Rachel: This is not about the money, this is about us spending the night away together for the first time since we got back together!_ (Ross still looks angry)_ Plus, you'll probably make up for it by stealing a hold load of batteries and stuff!

_(Ross' face lights up)_

Ross: Yeah! I am really good at that!...We'll take the room!

Receptionist _(in sing song voice)_: Wonderful, that'll be $870.

Ross _(Voice high pitch again)_: What! That's ridiculous! Come on Rachel!

_(Ross drags Rachel along by the arm and grabs the pot plant on the way out)_

Ross_ (at the people in the queue staring at him)_: What do you think you're looking at!

* * *

_(At the restaurant- Joey and Sandra)_

Joey: and then when I was 15, another fungus grew on my mom's foot- the same one that had grown on my nanna's foot, when I was 5...

Sandra _(looking bored and disgusted)_: So, Joey, as interesting as this all is...I need to go soon, so we better screw now.

Joey _(worried)_: Er... you still want to... I haven't put you off or anything!

Sandra: The long talk on the illnesses of your family didn't exactly turn me on, but I'm at an age now, when single women can't afford to be picky! _(Sandra starts kissing Joey again, but Joey pushes her away)_

Joey: Ok... there's something I need to tell you...

Sandra: Go on...

Joey: You are a beautiful,sweet, sexy girl...

Sandra _(laughing)_: You charmer! Rachel told me that you were smooth with the ladies... _(leans in to kiss him again)_

Joey: AND!

_(Sandra draws back confused)_

Sandra: And, what?

Joey: any man would want you...

Sandra: Oh.. Joey!

_(Leans in to kiss him again)_

Joey: BUT!

_(Sandra draws back, once again confused)_

Sandra _(laughing)_: But, what?

Joey: I'm gay!

Sandra: What!

Joey: I'm sorry...It's what you old people call homosexual...

Sandra: But...Rachel tells you bring a girl home every night! You're Joey the sex magnet!

Joey: Yeah,I'm just trying to cover up my ga...homosexualness...

_(Sandra's startled face turns into a sexy grin)_

Sandra: Well I'll be the one one helping you cover it up tonight... _(Whilst speaking, she runs her fingers up his thigh and joey jumps up)_

Joey: I wish I could, but... I met this guy...Ringo...and I think that it's time to come out of the...box!

Sandra: Oh my! Well, I'm sorry... I guess I must be going... I hope that you and Ringo will be very happy together...

_(Joey spots Mona (Ross' ex girlfriend) sitting on a table alone, looking at her watch and the empty chair opposite)_

Joey: Mona!

Mona: Joey!

_(Sandra starts to leave)_

Sandra_ (When she's at Mona's table, through clenched teeth)_: Don't get your hopes up...he's gay..

_(Mona looks weirdly at Joey)_

* * *

…...CLOSING CREDITS...

* * *

_(The coffee house, the next day- Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Mike are sitting down drinking coffee)_

Phoebe: Thanks so much for keeping all that baby stuff in your loft until we need it!

Monica: Oh, please... I loved it! I got to try out my new label maker deluxe and I discovered a checkers board while I was up there, so me and Chandler will be able to play organised checkers tournaments!

Chandler _(looking up)_: Kill me...kill me, now...

_(Rachel and Ross walk in looking unhappy, especially Rachel who slumps onto the sofa)_

Monica: How was your romantic night away!

Rachel: Uh...Ross refused let us sleep at the wonderful, classy 5 star hotel, because it was too expensive...so instead we spent the night at some crappy motel, where we had to go outside to pee!

_(Everyone sighs sympathetically, apart from Ross)_

Ross: They were ripping us off...

_(Joey enters, followed by Mona)_

Joey _(beaming)_ : Hey everyone! Er... Ross... Er... I thought you were at the hotel...um...

Rachel: Don't get me started.

Monica: Hey Joey! Er... hi Mona, what brings you here?

Mona: I spent the night at Joey's... _(Ross' face turns to thunder and Joey starts to pull her out of the coffee shop)_

Joey _(nervously)_: I'll take you to your house...

_(zoom in on Ross angry/dismayed face)_

**THE END**

* * *

**AN: So there is the first episode, let us know what you think. Please?**


	2. The One With the Baby Lecture

**AN: Here is a new episode of Series 11, from Meg**

**_Meg doesn't own friends, though she would like to own Joey!_**

* * *

_(The coffee house- Monica, Chandler, Jack and Erica, Rachel, Joey)_

Chandler: …...and then the Irish man says 'but boy I felt it!'

_(Chandler starts laughing at his own joke, but everyone else groans)_

Chandler: What! Come on! Boy... I FELT it! _(starts laughing again)..._No?

Monica: Why do you find sexual jokes so funny!

Rachel: I know, it's gross! Not to mention imature!

Monica: We're not in 6th grade anymore!

Chandler: I'm not immature! I'm a hoot!

Monica: Name one self respecting MATURE adult who would find that funny!

_(Joey starts laughing and everyone starts staring at him)_

Rachel: What!

Joey_ (laughing)_ : I just got the joke! _(Carries on laughing)_

Chandler _(Pointing at Monica):_ Ha ha!

Monica: I said mature!

Joey: HEY!

Monica: Actually, Joey, I've been meaning to talk to you... it's been almost 4 whole weeks since you've spoken to Ross...you guys really need to work things out!

Joey _(Whining):_ I know! I keep trying, but he's been avoiding me...

Chandler: I still don't get why you did it.

Rachel: Yeah, with me you wouldn't sleep with me, til' we had Ross' permission.

Joey: Yeah, but that was different... you're Ross and Rachel! I thought you and Ross were happily spending the night at some hotel...

Rachel (_scowling):_ Motel.

Joey: ….and me and Mona would have a great night, she'd go before you guys even came back and every one would be happy!

Rachel: Well, Ross is really upset that you didn't ask him first...

Joey: But why! He has you doesn't he?

(_Enter Phoebe and Mike and the there is a natural silence in the coffee room)_

Phoebe: I don't know what you're saying! I can't think of anything that will make our sex hotter...

_(Everyone stares at them)_

Phoebe (_nervously):_ Huh...great time for a natural silence!

* * *

...OPENING CREDITS...

* * *

_(Ross' apartment- Ross is sitting down, marking papers and listening to a children's song called 'Tony the dinosaur' and is singing along)_

_(Someone knocks at the door and Ross leaps over the back of his sofa to turn off the CD player of 'Tony the dinosaur')_

Ross: Who is it?

Joey: _(sigh)_ It's me.

Ross: Then, I'm sorry, but I'm not in.

Joey: Come on, man! I've tried to say that I'm sorry like a hundred times! Will you just let me speak to you?

Ross _(sarcastically):_ As much as I'd love to hear you come up with lame excuses for why you slept with my ex girlfriend, I'm just swamped in this marking!

Joey: Come on, dude, just a few minutes! It's been 4 weeks! I really miss you, man! Just hear me speak!

Ross: No, go away!

Joey: I brought you a present!

Ross: Joey, I said no!

Joey: It's dinosaur related!

Ross: Ok...but this doesn't change anything.

_(Ross reluctantly opens the door, to reveal Joey holding up a half eaten muffin)_

Ross _(Fed up):_ How is that dinosaur related?

Joey: The shop I brought it from also sold toy dinosaurs.

Ross _(annoyed):_ Ok, Joe, just get it over and done with...

_(Joey takes this as an invitation and enters the apartment and stands by the door, next to Ross_)

Joey: Look, I'm so sorry! I thought that you would be fine with it...

Ross _(angry):_ That is not true! You thought that I wouldn't be here, so you'd get away with it! You were never going to tell me! That's what makes me angry!

Joey: I'm so sorry Ross! What else do you want me to do!

Ross: I don't know.

Joey: Why can't you just forget about it! You're with Rachel again- you're happy! Maybe I thought that I could be happy too, with Mona, but it didn't. Can't we just forget it ever happened!

Ross: No, Joey, you can't do whatever you want and expect everyone to forgive you just because you say that 'you're sorry'!

Joey: Then tell me what you want me to do!

Ross: I don't know!

Joey: I will never do this again! This won't happen again!

Ross: Yeah, well its not like this was the first time that this sort of thing has happened!

Joey: Oh yeah, name one other time...

Ross: Jen...

Joey: Serious girlfriends... not some girl we met in a bar who accepted a night with me, over your museum tour date...

_(Ross is silent)_

Joey: See... you can't think of one...

Ross: Rachel.

Joey _(meekly):_ ….Yeah, I forgot about that one...

Ross: I forgave you when you kissed her, proposed to her...

Joey: And now you have her! So why can't I have Mona!

Ross: I just wish you would have asked me first! Why, though Joe, why did you do it!

Joey: I dunno... I guess, I was jealous of you.

Ross: Jealous!

Joey: Yeah, you're in a committed relationship with the girl you love! And I'm just sleeping around with so many girls that I _(Quickly counts of fingers up to 23)_ …...That I can't even count! I guess on some levels I was trying to get back at you, because...I, I …...I guess I was kinda jealous...And I'm so sorry and I miss hanging out with you, man. Can we be friends again?

_(Awkward silence, followed by Ross sighing)_

Ross _(Uneasily):_ Okay...

_(They hug and Joey looks over his shoulder and picks up his CD case)_

Joey: You listen to 'Tony the dinosaur'!

* * *

_(Phoebe and Mike's apartment- Phoebe & Mike are putting their coats on and getting ready to leave)_

Mike: I just think that it seems pretty stupid that we've been invited to Monica's baby lecture _(Holds up invitation which says: 'You have been invited to come along to the 1:35 baby talk session with Monica Geller' Followed by address and RSVP and some unreadable small print)_

Phoebe: She just wants to help us out, because, she knows that we're trying.

Mike: It's just the fact that in small print, at the bottom, she writes: 'Lateness is not tolerated at these sessions- Forfits will be given to those that late- That means you Mike Hannigan! Sex is not an excuse!'

Phoebe: She's gotta point, Mike, you always feel like sex just as we're leaving.

Mike: Well, anything for a chance of getting out of her organised game of consequences!

Phoebe _(agreeing):_ Yeah.

Mike: Or her ultra tiddley winks festival... boy that ended badly!

Phoebe: Yeah... did we pay her back for the broken window!

Mike: No...but we did pay her back for the rare ming vase that had been her great great great grandmother's wedding present.

Phoebe: Yeah... Monica can really yell!

Mike: Especially after what Joey did!

Phoebe: How was he supposed to know that tiddleywinks weren't edible! Anyway, he was fine in the end...

Mike: Yeah, after the emergency surgery.

Phoebe: Talking about hospitals, Stacey from the streets has been diagnosed with sifilus and I think I need to explain to her that being a hooker isn't the best way and...

Mike: Phoebe we're getting beside the point.

Phoebe: Yeah what was that point again (!), because we're like gonna be late...

_(Phoebe opens the door and starts to go, but Mike grabs her arm)_

Mike: Just listen to what I have to say and we'll go straight away and I won't try and persuade you to have sex.

Phoebe: Oh...Ok

_(Phoebe shuts the door)_

Mike: I just feel like it's going to be much more heartbreaking if we don't have *sighs* a baby, if we go to classes, before it happens. I mean, we already have all the baby things..

Phoebe: But...

Mike: I know that that wasn't your fault, but …. I just don't want more pressure to concieve a child. I'll go to this *sigh* session with Monica, but then no more baby stuff..

Phoebe: Ok...

(_There's a silence in which Phoebe's frown turns into a sexy look)_

Phoebe: I know we said no sex, but when you talk sensible you really turn me on!

Mike (_trying to be sexy):_ Oh really!

_(Mike picks her up in her arms and kicks open their bedroom door and they walk in)_

* * *

_(Monica and Chandler's apartment- the two of them sitting down in the kitchen, up to table, bouncing Jack and Erica, who have baby bouncers on the table)_

Monica: Where are they! They are 7 minutes and 23 seconds late!

Chandler: They're probably stuck in traffic or they got lost! I'm sure that there's a reasonable excuse!

Monica: Na-ah! Mike's gone and persuaded Phoebe to have sex with him!

Chandler: I'm sure that that's not what happened!

Monica: Of course it is! This always happens, anyway, 'Monica Geller's baby session' does not wake for those who are late... We will simply have to start without them!

Chandler: But, er...then it's just us...

Monica: I don't care! We can not let them thinks that 'Monica Geller's baby sessions' tolerate this sort of behavior! What are they gonna do when they have kids! If they don't learn to not have sex when they are supposed to be doing other things, their children would starve! Is that what want, Chandler! Is it! You killed their children!

Chandler _(Confused):_ Er... I'm sorry(?)

Monica: Well you should be! Okay _(Opens her folder)_ It is 3:41, so we should be one minute into the 'holding your baby' lecture...

Chandler: Are you sure we shouldn't wait for Mike and Phoebe... I mean they're only_ (looks at watch)_ 8 minutes late.

Monica: Chandler, why do you look at your watch...it's been broken for about 4 months, now...

Chandler_ (defensively):_ It's what all the cool people do on TV!

Monica _(Ignoring his statement)_: Anyway, the 8 minutes they haven't bothered to turn up, has totally ruined our time table! We had to miss our 5 minutes ice breaker and are now almost 2 minutes late!

Chandler: Ok.

_(Monica stands up, and puts )_

Monica _(informaly)_ : Hello, class, and welcome to 'Monica Geller's baby session'. Whether you are trying for a baby, expecting a baby or a rubbish parent who already has a baby _(Chandler pulls a face)_ this session should help you when dealing with the delightful infants. I'm afraid my speech must be cut short as we are_ (looks at watch and gets panicked)_ coming up to 3 minutes late starting our 'holding your baby' lecture.

Chandler _(under his breath, annoyed)_ : Mike gets sex and I get this!

Monica: Okay. Can anyone tell me the best way to hold a young baby!

_(Chandler reluctantly puts his hand up)_

Monica: You in the green sweater! What's your name!

Chandler: CHANDLER- Your HUSBAND!

Monica: Chandler...what a strange name... _(Chandler scowls and Monica gets Erica out of her bouncy chair and passes her to Chandler and Chandler holds her awquadly)_

Monica: Chandler! *nervous laugh* What are you doing!

Chandler (_confused):_ This is how you hold a small baby!

Monica: No it isn't!

Chandler: It isn't!

Monica: No! This is how you hold a small baby! _(Monica takes Erica off Chandler and holds her properly) or you can hold them like this. (shows another way)_

Chander: Like this? _(Chandler goes to take Erica off Monica, but she quickly takes her back away)_

Monica: No! You can't be trusted! You can use the doll! _(Monica points at a weird looking doll on the side and Chandler looks unsure)_

Chandler _(Unsure)_ : Ok _(Chandler picks up the doll and holds it weirdly)_

Monica: No Chandler! Like when you wind them!

Chandler: This is how I wind them!

Monica_(shouting):_ What!

Chandler: I'm a terrible father!

* * *

_(Ross' apartment- Ross is sitting on the sofa and Rachel is unpacking boxes)_

Rachel : So here we are, moving in together once and for all...

Ross: I know... doesn't it just feel great to know that this is it! No more arguements...

Rachel _(agreeing):_ Mmmmm...

Ross: We were so stupid!

Rachel: We ?

Ross: Er... yeah!

Rachel: Hmmm... that's interesting, I guess my memory's playing up again... I thought that it was you who slept with that xerox slut, and you who...

Ross: Let's not go down that rout!

Rachel: Yeah, sorry!

Ross: So...

Rachel: I Emma's Nursery interview this afternoon!

Ross: Just think! Soon I'll baby girl will be at nursery!

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: It feels like yesterday that you were sitting in that hospital bed, looking so happy...

Rachel : Doesn't it just!

Ross: Well, you were partly happy because you were engaged...(going off track) too Joey...(Getting angry) Just after giving birth to my child...

Rachel_ (annoyed):_ Ross!

Ross _(nervously laughing):_ Yeah, let's not do this again...

Rachel_ (sighing):_ We're not going to be able to have a succesful relationship if we hold grudges of our past, we need to do something about this...

_(Ross sighs an agreement)_

Rachel: Anyway, about the nursery thing...

Ross: Yes... whatever you do, don't forget to come. It's at 3:00 on the dot and...

Rachel: Ross! When am I ever late.

_(Ross looks at her weirdly)_

Rachel: Ok, I'm late all the time, but I won't today.

Ross: I just know that they're going to love Emma! _(Becoming serious)_ And the fact that I'm a proffesor ought to sweeten them up...I hear that they're very partial to Doctors...

Rachel: For the millionth time Ross! Your not a doctor! You can't even succesfuly remove Emma's splinters!

Ross _(annoyed):_ Look! I.. _(calmly)_ never mind, all that matters is that you are there on time.

Rachel : Which I will be!

Ross: Where is Emma? Weren't you supposed to pick her up from your mum's like 2 hours ago?

Rachel _(shocked and annoyed_): NOOOOoooooo!

_(Rachel picks up the phone and start frantically dialing)_

Ross: How on earth could you forget Rachel, you're so irresponsible!

(_Rachel scowels at him and puts the phone to her ear while it rings)_

Ross (_angry):_ This is just like the time that...

Rachel: Seriously Ross! You really need to stop that! Ooooh, Hi mum er I'm really sorry er...yeah...

_(Picks up the Tony the dinasour cd case up to show Ross and looks at him quizzicly, while she listens to her mum on the phone)_

* * *

_(Monica and Chandler's house- The bay session continues)_

Chandler: Really! That's how you burp the babies! I was just smacking them on the back!

Monica: Well that's why you came to 'Monica's baby session and lecture'!

Chandler: So! What's next!

_(Monica flicks through her folder)_

Monica : That's it! We've covered all the topics!

Chandler: Really!

Monica: Luckily, I have written a lightning round test, to check that you have absorbed this infomation!

Chandler (_rubbing his hands together_): I'm ready!

Monica (_quickly)_ : Question 1-How do you swaddle a baby?

Chandler: Ooooh...er... you are wrapping the baby up 'snuggily in a blanket'!

Monica (_shouting)_ : CORRECT!

(_Chandler backs away as she shouts)_

Monica: Question 2- A newborn baby has a fever if they have temperature of mmmmmmmm or more...?

Chandler: 100 and …...no er... OH YEAH! 100.4

Monica: Correct. To reduce your babies chance of getting SIDS, you should but them down to sleep, how?

Chandler: Um...er...

_(enter phoebe & Mike (Phoebe's hair is messed up))_

Phoebe: So sorry we're late...

Mike: traffic was awful...

Phoebe: Hope we didn't miss much...

Mike_ (obviously lying):_ We're so excited!

_(Monica scowles and hits them both around the head which is followed by 'ows')_

Monica: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU TOO BEEN!

Mika and phoebe (_trying to look innocent_): stuck in traffic!

Monica (suspiciously): Oh really!

Phoebe _(trying to be tough): _Yes, really!

Monica: Why is your hair messed up?

Phoebe: I like it like this!

_(Monica looks at disbelievingly and Mike steps back, away from Monica)_

Phoebe: Ok...it was windy.

Monica: In the car?

Phoebe _(nervously)_ : Er...yeah, I have a sun roof!

Monica: What! In your gran's cab!

Phoebe: Yeah! I mean crime and car...asualt is just so bad in my area!

Monica: Can I see it?

Phoebe: I parked it ages away...

Monica _(disbelievingly)_: Hmmmmmmm...really? You say that you were stuck in traffic?

(_Mike gives Chandler a look and Chandler returns one as if to say 'I know!')_

Phoebe _(unsure)_: Y...Yes.

Monica: Interesting.

Phoebe: Not really.

Monica: Because according .com you had a clear run of it and my sources tell me that...

Phoebe _(cracking):_ Okay! WE LIED! We actually had sex! We're so sorry...

Monica: Well you should b...

Mike_ (shouting, stepping in)_: No we shouldn't be sorry...and we're not!

_(Phoebe and chandler gasp and Monica is taken aback)_

Mike _(shouting):_ That's right! First of all, you force us to come to some stupid baby lecture. THEN, you slag me off in the letter. THEN, you yell at us for not coming. I mean your Shrill, Loud, bossy, paranoid, over the top... I mean the list goes on, yet you're shouting at us!

_(shocked silence!)_

Phoebe _(gasping)_ : Mike! _(gasp)_ I'm so hot for you right now!

Chandler _(shouting)_ OI! My wife has gone out of her way to do plan and create something to help you, because she nows that you want a baby and she wants you to feel prepared. You have absolutely no right to yell at her for all the trouble she's gone through.

Monica _(agreeing)_ : Yeah!

Chandler: And you didn't even show up until the end, so should definitely be feeling sorry, right now!

Monica: YEAH!

Chandler : so you leave me no choice, Mike...

(thrusts doll baby until Monica's arms, rolls his sleeves up and tries to punch him ,but misses. Mike also tries to punch him, but they are as bad as each other. This continues for about 10 seconds)

* * *

_(Phoebe and Mikes apartment- Phoebe, Mike, chandler and Monica are sitting at their dining room table. They all have ice packs)_

Mike _(embarassed):_ Once again, I'm very sorry...

Chandler: Me too... I'm sorry about your eye...

Mike: It's not bad...I mean you did really well, you actually hit me!

Chandler _(proud):_ I know! You weren't bad yourself my friend, at one point, you kicked me in my...sensitive part.

Mike: Thanks

Phoebe: You girls we're rubbish!

Monica: Yeah! You barely did any damage... It was like the worst fight ever!

Chandler (_annoyed_): Yes, dear, until you got involved...

Monica (_smiling to herself_): Yeah! I kicked arse!

Mike: It was a bit unnecessary...

Phoebe: Did you expect us to sit back and watch you pansies?

Chandler: Yeah, but...

Monica (_standing up)_ : Oi! Do you wanna girl .v. boy battle... cause it sounds like you're asking for one!

_(Enter Rachel pushing Emma)_

Rachel: Hey guys!

The others: Hey!

Rachel: I'm just on my way to Emma's nursery interview, I just thought that I'd pop by.

Monica: Cool, when's it start?

Rachel: In like an hour, but Ross made such a big fuss about me being there on time! I mean, every 10 minutes or so he's sent me a text!

Monica: Uh!

Rachel: Don't worry, I payed by secutary to swap phones with me for the day... Anyway, I must be off, if Ross is waiting at all he'll flipping kill me!

* * *

_(An office- A row of teachers are facing a nervous Rachel, they're all looking bored and checking their watches)_

Rachel: I'm so sorry! I can't get hold of him! It's so unlike him to be late.

Teacher 1 _(not amused):_ He's 52 minutes late...

Rachel: I know I'm sorry! Can't we just start without him!

Teacher 2 _(Trying to be nice):_ I'm afraid that he's our documented guardian of Emma, so he has to be present.

Teacher: I hope that you understand that lateness is not tolerated at this nursery.

Rachel _(starting to cry):_ Of Course. I understand.

Teacher 3: Our next set of parents are coming in exactly 4 and a half minutes. I'm afraid that we're going to have to ask you to leave...

(_Enter Ross panting holding a half eaten bag of cinema popcorn. Everyone looks at him angrily, especially Rachel)_

Ross _(Awkwardly offering the bag)_: Popcorn?

* * *

Joey: I knew this would happen! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming back for another for another night...

Mona: No, I...

Joey: as much as I want to, we agreed before hand that it would be only for one night, because otherwise Ross would kill me...

Mona: Joey...

Joey: But then he found out and then did kill me...

Mona: No, Joey...

Joey: And now we're friends again and I couldn't go through that all over again...

Mona: Joey...

Joey: I'm sorry!

_(Joey goes into his bedroom and slams the doors. Mona reluctantly goes up to his door)_

Mona: Joey I...Joey...I'm pregnant.

_(Joey opens the door to reveal his shocked face)_

* * *

...CLOSING CREDITS...

* * *

**_AN: There is the second episoe of Series 11, written by my friend Meg. The next episode should be updated soon, depending on how long it takes me to beta it and format it._**


	3. The One With Phoebe's New Step Dad

**AN: Here is the third episode of Series 11! Hope you enjoy, the next one may take longer before updating, sorry! But Meg is happily writing it at the moment.**

**_Disclaimer: We don't own 'Friends' but Meg does have the whole box set!_  
**

* * *

The One With Phoebe's New Step Dad

_Previously on friends_

Joey: I knew this would happen! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming back for another for another night...

Mona: No, I...

Joey: As much as I want to, we agreed before hand that it would be only for one night, because otherwise Ross would kill me...

Mona: Joey...

Joey: But then he found out and then did kill me...

Mona: No, Joey...

Joey: And now we're friends again and I couldn't go through that all over again...

Mona: Joey...

Joey: I'm sorry!

_(Joey goes into his bedroom and slams the doors. Mona reluctantly goes up to his door)_

Mona: Joey I...Joey...I'm pregnant.

_(Joey opens the door to reveal his shocked face)_

Joey: Well, that's not my problem, go tell your boyfriend, or whoever the father is.

Mona _(sternly)_: Joey.

Joey (_shocked_): Oh!

_(Joeys exagerated expressions change from shocked, to worried, to delighted)_

Joey _(beaming)_ : I'm gonna be a poppy!

Mona (_relieved and delighted_): You're pleased about this!

Joey _(excited_): You bet! It's gonna be great!

Mona: That's fantastic!

Joey: I'll have someone to carry on my name and after I've had a week of fooling around with loose women, I'll come to relax in the

weekend round your place, with you guys!

Mona _(disappointed and shocked)_: What? You're just gonna leave me and only visit me at weekends!

Joey _(confused)_: That's not what you wanted!

Mona (_starting to cry_): No!

_(Joey comforts her)_

Joey: So you want me to visit you more often?

Mona _(crying)_: No I wanted to move in with you! My new boyfriend kicked me out when he discovered that was knocked up and I have no where else to go and I need help raising a baby...

Joey _(shocked)_ : Oh.

* * *

…...OPENING CREDITS...

* * *

_(The coffee-house Rachel, Emma, Phoebe, Mike, Monica, Rachel and the twins)_

Rachel _(in a weird voice, holding a plate of sandwiches)_: Emma! Emma Wemma! Are you gonna have some foodie woodie! Are you? Are you?

(_Emma grabs and eats a sandwich)_

Rachel: Good girly wirl! Your sooooo clever! Your such a gooood girl!

Monica: Rach, You're such a natural with her!

Rachel: Oh, it's just that I did this this Joey all the time!

_(Everyone looks at her weirdly apart from Chandler)_

Chandler: Yeah he used to make me do that to him! He said it made him feel youthful.

Phoebe: Do you guys know if Joey's found a new room mate yet?

Chandler: No, not yet. The last one 'looked a bit suspicious'

Monica: The one before that 'only LIKED Bay Watch'

Rachel: I feel kinda proud that I was good enough to once be his room mate...

Phoebe: I wouldn't feel that proud... He also picks Chandler!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel : Can you watch Emma, I gotta go to the bathroom!

Everyone else: Sure!

_(Rachel exits to the bathroom and Joey enters)_

Joey: Is Ross here?

Everyone: No.

Monica: Why?

_(Joey opens the Central Perk door)_

Joey _(excitedly)_: You can come in, you can come in!

_(Enter Mona and Joey holding hands)_

Monica: You guys! What's going on!

_(Unapparent to the audience, enter Ross)_

Joey (_excitedly_): We're gonna have a baby!

_(Everyone starts chatting excitidly 'oh my god!', 'seriously', 'that's so fantastic!' etc.)_

Ross: What!

_(Everyone turns to notice Ross for the first time and there's an awquard silence)_

Joey (_purposely looking in the other direction of Ross_): Is that a blueberry muffin?

_(Starts to go over to it, but Ross stops him)_

Ross _(beaming)_: you're gonna have a baby! That's so great!

_(Ross and Joey hug, jumping up and down)_

Chandler (_standing up_): Hey!

_(Runs over and joins in the hug)_

Ross: We're all going to have had babies!

Phoebe: Hello?

Ross _(turns serious_): Sorry, Pheebs!

_(Enter Rachel, unnoticed)_

Phoebe _(excitedly)_: Don't worry! JOEY"S GONNA HAVE A BABY!

Rachel _(angrily)_:WHAT!

* * *

(_Phoebe and Mikes apartment- empty)_

_(Enter Rachel, who slams her purse on the table in a rage, followed by Monica and Phoebe)_

Rachel: I can't believe he's settling down with that SLUT Mona Borittara!

Phoebe _(meekly)_: Barraton.

_(Rachel scowls at her)_

Phoebe (_mouthing_): Sorry.

_(Rachel growls)_

Rachel : She's working her way round the gang! Ross, now Joey. (to monica)You better keep an eye on Chandler!

Monica: Why are you acting like this! Ross is ok with! Aren't you happy that he's finally settled down?

Rachel _(slightly calmer)_: I know, it's just... I feel like I've been replaced!

Monica: What do you mean?

Rachel: Me and Joey are so close! We've lived together for years and we used to go out...

Phoebe: For a week.

Rachel: I know, I just hate that he's having that closeness with another woman, I didn't mind it when they were just fooling around for one night, it's not the same, he does it with loads of women! She's …... she's special to him.

_(All three hug)_

Monica: He could never replace you!

Phoebe: You were his first love! No one forgets their first love!

Monica: She's right!

Phoebe: I am...I will never forget guy in van, til' the day I die...

(_They stop hugging)_

Phoebe _(excited)_: Ooooh! I forgot to tell you! My birth mums coming round today! She's got herself hitched!

Monica : What!

Phoebe: I know! I have a new step dad!

Rachel: That's so great! When's she coming over?

_(Phoebe checks the clock)_

Phoebe: About an hour! I'm so excited!

Rachel: I'm so pleased for you!

Phoebe: I know! I mean as much as I love my other one, there's just not time to visit me, now he's moved on from occasional stabbings to mass murderer!

Monica: Are you sure you're gonna be ok, Rach?

Rachel: Yeah! Joey needs his shot at happiness too and I've got Ross... Now I'm gonna make us some cocktails, whilst Monica most probably cleans your apartment!

Monica _(excited)_: You're on!

* * *

_(Central Perk- Joey, Chandler and Ross)_

Joey: And the best thing is, that I'm gonna experience all the closeness that you guys have with your children and wive..._(see's Ross' face)_ Partners.

Chandler: Listen to our Joey all grown up...I'm proud of you, man!

Ross: I never thought that this day would come!

Joey: Awww, you guys!

Ross: So what's the deal with you and Mona? I mean you have blessing if you want to get married.

Joey _(worried and confused)_: You think she wants to get married? We were just seeing how it went!

_(Ross and Chandler pull faces)_

Ross: Women always want to get married!

Chandler _(agreeing)_: They seem to have brains that have been specificly wired to want babies and weddings!

Ross: If you're looking for evidence, look at my many marriages. I know that I proposed to Emily, but getting married in Vegas was Rachel's idea and Carol pratically begged her to marry her!

Chandler: Monica wanted it so much she proposed to me! And she dumped Richard because he didn't want kids!

Joey_ (stressed)_: But this is different! Mona and I just got together for a night and she's cool! She must be the only girlfriend you've had that you haven't married! That's gotta say something!

Ross _(sighing_): Yeah, that was a let down. _(getting back to the point)_ But this is different she's pregnant!

Joey _(stressed_): So what do you think I should do! Should I propose!

Chandler and Ross _(Definitely)_: Yes!

Joey: Can ministers even get married!

Chandler and Ross_ (Definitely)_ : Yes!

Joey: Where can I get ring for _(empties pocket)_ $3?

Chandler _(cringing)_ :They sell plastic ones at the toy shop down the road!

Joey (_pleased_): Great!

(_Joey runs out the cafe_)

Ross: Do you really think she's gonna say yes?

Chandler: Dude, he's got a toy ring!

Ross: Good point, well presented!

* * *

(_Phoebe and Mike's apartment)_

Rachel: I do not think that he's serious about this! It's Joey! He is like the least commited guy in the world!

Monica: Are you sure that you're not still upset about the whole Joey thing?

Rachel _(voice raised)_: Not at all, I'm just making an observation!

Phoebe: Ok, ok!

Rachel: I mean, he wouldn't even know what observation meant! How can someone that stupid be serious about anything?

Monica: Well, he proposed to you _and_ Phoebe when he thought that you guys were pregnant, I reckon that's pretty committed!

Rachel: Yeah, but he's known us for years!

Monica: Whatever you say, Rach, this is Joey and doing something very stupid, but commited in a situation like this is very him!

Rachel: I don't care what you say! I'm right!

Phoebe: And who wouldn't say yes to Joey! He's is just so delicious (starts daydreaming) and so hot and oh my god, mother may I!

Monica (outraged): Phoebe!

Phoebe: You fancied him when he first arrived!

Monica _(embarrassed and angry)_: Yeah, that was ages ago!

_(All start bickering)_

_(Knock at door)_

Phoebe _(shouting)_: Hello!

Phoebe sr. _(On the other side of the door shouting)_: It's your mum! I'm afraid we're early!

Phoebe _(shouting whilst jumping with excitement):_ One second!

Phoebe _(excited)_ : Here goes!

_(Phoebe opens the door to reveal Phoebe sr. standing next to Monica's ex boyfriend, Richard Burke. Everyone looks suprised apart from_

_Phoebe sr. Who's beaming away)_

_(Phoebe and Mike's apartment)_

Phoebe Sr. _(confused)_: Do you guys know each other?

Phoebe _(grinning through clentched teeth)_: We've been introduced. Please do sit down.

_(Everyone sits in an awquard silence on the sofa)_

Phoebe: Drinks anyone?

Richard _(meekly)_: I wouldn't mind a...

Phoebe _(cutting over him)_ : No one? No...ok.

_(She sits down)_

Phoebe Sr. _(happy, oblivious to the tense atmosphere)_: We met when I was getting my eyes checked...

Richard:... She's the best patient I've ever had!

Phoebe Sr. _(suggestively):_ And let's just say we made good use of the that chair!

_(Everyone but Phoebe Sr. looks really uncomfortable at this comment)_

Phoebe. Sr _(still oblivious)_: And then, 2 months later, we went to Vegas on holiday and..._(excited)_ He proposed!

Phoebe _(sarcastically)_: Wooo!

Phoebe Sr: And we though, we're in vegas, so we might as well get married now! So...we are officially...Dr and Mrs Burke!_ (To Richard) _Come here you!_ (Thrusts her tongue down his neck and starts making out with him on the coach, forcing Monica and Rachel to budge up either side of them. Everyone looks disgusted and Richard manages to push her away)_

Phoebe Sr. _(confused)_: What! My little silky moustached one _(Starts stroking his moustache and goes to kiss him again but Richard stops_

_her)_

Richard _(stressed)_: Ok! Let's go get the present we got Phoebe.

_(Drags Phoebe Sr. out the door)_

Phoebe. Sr _(Mouthing to Phoebe over her shoulder)_: Isn't he so hot!

_(Phoebe pulls a face to agree and slams the door after them)_

Monica _(jumping up, stressed)_: Oh my god!

Rachel _(jumping up, also stressed):_ Oh god! Oh...My...God!

Monica _(panicking)_: OH MY GOD!

Phoebe _(calmly)_: Ok, we're starting to sound like Janice here!

Rachel: How did this happen?

Phoebe: Do you think he knew that she's my mum?

Monica: Oh my God! Your mum and I have shagged the same guy!

Phoebe_ (grossed out)_ : OH MY GOD!

Rachel: Ok everyone, calm down, If you think about it its not _that_ weird...

Monica_ (exclaiming)_: Phoebe had a crush on him, when I first starting going out with him...

Rachel: Ew! Oh my God! This is so weird!

Phoebe _(calmly)_: Ok, we need to all calm down...

Rachel _(calmly)_: Ok.

Phoebe _(calmly)_: My mum is happy and that's all that counts...

Monica_ (still stressed)_: Oh my...Oh gosh! They had sex on his chair like we did!

Rachel: Oh my goodness, this sounds like a greek tragedy...

* * *

_(The corridor outside Joey's apartment. Mona is unlocking the door and Ross coems up the stairs)_

Ross: Hi Mona!

Mona: Hey!

Ross: Congratulations!

Mona _(shyly_): Oh, thanks!

_(Awkward silence and Mona laughs nervously)_

Ross: I'm so excited that Joey's gonna be a dad! How are you feeling, by the way?

Mona _(meekly)_: Oh...um...surviving! It's a bit overwhelming. I mean, I'm gonna be a mum! _(Starts to cry and Ross comforts her and they sit on the step in the corridor)_

Mona _(laughing through her tears)_: I don't know why I keep crying, I guess it's the hormones!

Ross: You say how you feel, it will be good to get off your chest.

Mona_ (fairly quickly whilst crying)_: Ok...here goes: I'm annoyed at myself for getting knocked up, and Joey a little a bit, for that and I'm also feel really guilty for throwing this burden onto Joey and angry at him for not immediately wanting to help. Also, I am so so worried that I'm gonna be a bad mother or that Joey's gonna loose interest and leave us! He's not a very committed guy and sooner or later he's gonna get bored! What would I do then? The likely hood is that I'm not gonna date for like 18 years and I don't even know a thing about parenting! I'm gonna totally screw this kid up, especially if I do this alone!

Ross _(overwhelmed, slowly)_: Wow! That's a lot of stuff to take in.

(_Mona gives a weak smile)_

Ross _(calmly)_: Joey is one of the best guys I know and he will do everything in his power to make you happy and If not me and the gang will ensure that you're not left alone. Also, if you're worried about being a mum, Rachel would be happy to help, I'm sure. At the end of the day, whatever the problem is, never hesitate to speak to me!

Mona (_hugging Ross_): Ross you're so great and I...I know that we didn't leave off on the best of terms, but your a really great guy.

_(Enter Joey)_

Joey (_concerned)_: Are you ok, Mona?

Mona _(smiling and standing up)_: I am, now.

Phoebe Sr: …..and I'm always getting Richard to model for my erotic poetry. (_suggestively_) He's got the right material if you know what I mean!

_(Everyone looks uncomfortable and Monica gulps down the wine in her glas and pours herself some more)_

Richard: I think that's enough, sweetie...

Phoebe. Sr: Okay, honey._ (Looking at her watch)_ Oh my gosh, is that the time already? We've been here for 3 hours!

Monica _(under her breath)_: Is that all?

Phoebe Sr_.(To Phoebe, Monica and Rachel):_ We're suprising Richard's daughter and popping in to tell her the news!

Monica_ (under her breath)_: God help Michelle!

Phoebe Sr: _(hugging Phoebe)_: Goodbye, dear!

Phoebe _(through clenched teeth)_: Bye!

Phoebe Sr: Bye Monica, bye Phoebe!

Rachel and Monica _(through clenched teeth)_ : Bye!

Phoebe Sr. _(exiting through the door)_: Come on, Richard!

Richard: I'll meet you there!

Phoebe Sr._(a bit confused):_ Er...ok.

_(Exit Phoebe Sr.)_

Richard _(to Monica)_: Can I have a word?

Monica: Of course!

* * *

_(The corridor outside Phoebe and Mike's apartment)_

Monica: What's up?

Richard: I'm really sorry you had to find out this way! I had no idea that her daughter, Phoebe, was your daughter... I don't really know what to say...

Monica: That's Ok, it's great to see you happy! And she seems to be rather proud of you and it sounds you been having, er...one hell of a good time!

Richard: I never thought that I'd get over you, but I finally have!

Monica: Have you told Mum and Dad?

Richard: Not yet, your dad will be furious that he wasn't at the wedding, especially as I was his best man!

Monica: See, it would never have worked out between us! You were my dad's best man! You're 21 years older than me!

Richard: Yeah!

Monica: I'm really pleased that Phoebe's gonna have such a great step dad!

Richard: Thank you! _(Calling from downstairs)_: Richard!

Richard: I better go, It was nice seeing you...

Monica: It was kinda nice seeing you...until your wife told some personal stories and kept licking your cheek!

Richard: Yeah, I'm sorry about that! Bye! Hopefully, now I'm Phoebe's step dad, I'll see you more often.

Monica: Bye

Richard: Bye

(_Exit Richard)_

* * *

_(Joey's room- Joey is in front of the mirror with his plastic ring in the box)_

Joey_ (opening the box)_: Will you marry me? No, that ides been stolen...

Joey : It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y'know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… _(He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.)_ Mona Barroton, will you marry me? No wait, I've done that one before.._.(confused)_ twice...

_(Enter Rachel, with hugsy and he throws the ring, in the box, under his bed)_

Joey: Hey, Rach!

Rachel: Hey Joey! You left hugsy at ours the other night, when you had the nightmare about the mutant sandwich and had to sleep at ours!

Joey: Oh, yeah...thanks.

Rachel: Joey, what did you just throw?

Joey: Nothing, it was just a..._(thinks about which lie to use)_ a dog...

Rachel: What?

Joey : A log?

Rachel: Joey, seriously!

Joey: Er...a frog?

Rachel: Joey, what was it, you know you can tell me anything?

Joey: Er...um...it's...

_(Rachel ducks under his bed and grabs it)_

Rachel_ (confused_): It's an engagement ring? _(opens the box)_ It's plastic! What you doing with a _(gasps)_ you're gonna propose to Mona!

Joey _(reluctantly)_: Well yeah...I'm stuck on what to say! Could you help me!

Rachel: You making a massive mistake!

Joey: What? But Ross and Chandler said...

_(Rachel pulls a face)_

Rachel: Ross and Chandler on girl advice...

Joey: Yeah!

Rachel: A thrice divorced paleontoligist and Monica's slave!

Joey (_realising)_: Oh, yeah! I get your point! So you really don't think this is what she wants!

Rachel: Believe me, she barely knows you! Plus remember my reaction to when you proposed to me...the first time!

Joey: Oh, yeah! I suppose you're right, I mean, I guess I'm not the sort of guy who marries...we don't need to get married to raise this baby well! Thanks Rach!

_(Hugs Rachel)_

Rachel_ (feeling guilty)_: My pleasure.

* * *

…...CLOSING CREDITS...

* * *

_(Joey's apartment- Joey and Mona surrounded by moving boxes. Joey is reading a baby book to Mona, on the sofa together)_

Joey: And then, at 10 weeks the baby will almost be the size of a kumquat and weighs barely an onze!

Mona: ooh! We use Kumquats at the resturant sometimes-they're tiny!

Joey: I thought kumquats were a board game!

Mona_ (laughing)_: No! It's a citrus fruit!

Joey _(embarrassed and pretending to laugh)_ : Yeah, I was joking! (stands up and walks into the kitchen) Wine?

Mona: I can't drink wine!

Joey: Sorry, of course!

Mona: Joey, I can't tell you how much this means to me, that you're putting me...us...up and sacrificing your bachelor lifestyle!

Joey: I'm starting to think that the batchelour lifestyle isn't all that great.

Mona: Awww...that's sweet!

_(They hug)_

Joey: Plus, we could just fool around in the resturant bathroom!

* * *

THE END

* * *

**AN: And there it is, please review to let us know if you like them!**


	4. Authors Note sorry!

AN: I know that I personally hate it when authors do this but I just wanted to let you know that the next update will not be up for a few days, because it is still being written. The only reason that the previous episodes were up so quickly was because they had all been written before the first one had even been posted.

Lastly, I just want to do some shameless self advertising. I have recently posted a few stories on** fiction press . net,** and if you want to read some of my own original work then please visit my account on there, my name is also** forwhenthedayisgrey**, and I haven't had many readers yet, so pretty please visit it!

See you when the next episode gets posted! :-D

Lizzie


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